T-172 days

 

-Tony Gordon

Let this be the start for the remaining half of the year. I aspire for only one type of life - a fulfilling one. My 20's were filled with excuses, self discovery, growth and mistakes. Lots of mistakes were made. And several more will be made. However, let the ones made from here on be those that are worthwhile of the time I have been blessed with in a day. 

My head hurts - because there are so many things running through my head. 172 days left to hit my goal of 100,000. Can I do it? 112 days to hit my goal of 68,000. A step at a time. I'm going to document everything here, I want to be able to look back on the days I felt compelled to come to this space to document my thoughts and neaten the voices in my head. 

Today, I'm declaring this goal to myself. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed because the number of appointments I have lined up for the next few weeks are not reflective of one who has such big goals for herself. Hence the problem is simple - I simply need to reach out to more people and service more lives. 

The issue of conviction no longer exists - I believe in the cause of what I do. I simply just need to be more disciplined and laser focus on the things I do during the day that contributes to this goal. 

Bismillah, let's go.
xx.

Motherhood

I saw parents struggle with their children this afternoon during high tea. The children were rolling on the floor, crossing safe distancing boundaries (both legal and potentially personal ones too lmao) and making a lot of noise. None of this bothered me, I find myself more tolerant towards such things unless the children are evidently misbehaving and not - behaving like children. 

The parents took it all in good stride. They never raised their voices, didn't appear to be frustrated that the kids were being naughty at the start. They were firm in telling them what was appropriate and soon after all that rolling and noise turned into a couple of kids seated in their chairs chewing on food - not without noise of course, but well-behaved. 

I then queued behind these parents while waiting for my food and saw them heave a huge sigh as if they'd just finished fighting a battle. 😂

-------

I don't often think of motherhood because I'm single. No point thinking of something until there's a need to really. I used to want to be a mother and start a family when I was younger. I guess these thoughts crossed my mind well into adulthood too. However as I crossed the 28year mark, I started placing less priority on motherhood as a whole. Being single aside, my career means a lot to me too. I don't feel I'm anywhere near where I want to be where that's concerned and I know I won't be a very inspiring power woman who'll manage everything that's thrown to me. I have very little faith...

Anyway, I sat there at the table seated across my mother, and wondered what she'd say if I ever told her I may not want children. Disappointment perhaps, but I know she'll never force me to do something beyond her control. I've never been able to be controlled anyway lol. 

Guess that question will stay a big what if for now. Regardless, a big kudos to all mothers out there. Mothers being the generic term to represent all parents. You don't get as much credit for all that you do.

xx.

Time;

I find it so lame each time the phrase 'in the blink of an eye' is used to describe time. I mean, I get it. It passes by, you were busy (or not as busy as you had hoped to be) and before you know it a lot of time has come and gone. Yet the only way I can find myself describing time this time is - you guessed it! - through the use of said lame phrase. 

The year is coming to a close in 3 weeks. So much to do, so little time. So many goals not achieved, so many things to reflect on. 

Whether or not we choose to believe in time being a construct of man, it's also time that provides a form of peace and system. The beginning of a new year brings a hope of a new version of you. I speak for myself in saying that it's true. When 2021 came, I felt nothing but relief. Mostly because 2020 was a horrendous and dark year for me.

However, 2021 taught me something very different from the usual belief of needing to start anew. We run on this earth with many years on our timeline if we're lucky. Why wait until the dawn of a new age before change is made? Maybe you'll scoff if you read this, all I can say is I'm glad I've finally accepted this truth before it got too late. It's still a construct I need to unlearn, and that is always a hard thing to do... but next year (ironic much?) I hope to be a lot better in managing and dealing with this construct of time.

The only thing I hope to hold dearly for next year is to keep my dreams secret. To store them only for myself and to not go around sharing them with even my closest confidantes. No reason behind it, just that I am tired of being a disappointment to the people around me. 

...myself especially. 

Till then (and in case I don't come back before then), a happy new year in advance <3

xx.

This is me

When the world seems too overwhelming and against you on all fronts, remind yourself that who you are today is enough. 

Never forget, never forgive. 

xx.

Mountains and days;

 The passage of time is a marvellous thing. It allows for so much - healing, growth, fascinating experiences one can only hope to laugh at some time in the future... 

Yet what then is time during this season of Covid when everything is either too slow or too fast? Abysmal days are prolonged, excitement seems to end too soon and grief - dear grief. It feels like time drags on its feet. 

It's been 6months since the loss of my Yai, and 3months since the loss of my Datok. Death has a different ring and tune to it in these times - mostly because mourning is experienced too differently. You're not allowed to mourn together, because you can't be together. 

I anticipated this year to happen as it did. And I thought being prepared would help with the coping process. I was grateful that I was able to be there towards the end, and have no regrets that they were able to depart peacefully. But since then, I don't think I was ever able to properly grief.

Like a robot, I allowed myself to focus on work. Not that it was entirely productive, I don't think. I'm not even certain I was conscious of my own thoughts and feelings at the time. I just continued living like the living do - and operated as I always did. 

And so results in the cacophony of deafening alarm bells, as my world starts to spin in a way that leaves me bleak and desolate. I am unfeeling, I simply exist. My emotions and feelings are so caught up in some dimension that has yet to be untapped. I don't really know how to unmask this despite my various attempts. 

All I know is I feel immense loss. I miss you both so dearly. I don't think I realised how much I loved you till you were no longer here. 

Thinking of you always, my dear Yai and Datok. Thank you for loving me.

xx.

Brooklyn

I watched Brooklyn in 2015, sometime at the end of the year while I was at the lowest point in my life. It was a movie that came to me by surprise, because it wasn't recommended by a friend nor was it actually a title I was aware of. I happened to be on iTunes, saw Saoirse Ronan on the cover, and felt compelled to watch it (absolutely a fan or Saoirse Ronan - I fell in love with her since I caught Lovely Bones those years ago). 

And how lovely a movie it was. 

Since then, I've caught Brooklyn more than 100 times I'm sure. It leaves me with a dull ache in my heart, one that yearns so much for love and possibilities for the future. I am obsessed with the narratives, the art that is presented in the cinematography of the movie and the chemistry between the actors. 

It is also in this movie that I fell in love with Tony. 

Not that anyone cares, but Brooklyn started out as a romantic movie for me. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy ends up with girl. Of course, the course of true love never did run smooth, but they make their way back to each other in the end. 

Of course, when you repeatedly watch a movie like I do it's impossible not to form a different opinion and perspective of the show. Where I was thought Eilis settled, I've come to realise that she chose Brooklyn over Ireland. It's not so much a decision between which man she chooses to be with, but the life and place she chooses to create a future in. 

I've yet to read the book, so these opinions are based solely off the movie and the tone it tried to set. I don't believe she chose to ignore Tony's letters because she disliked him - think she was just running away from the truth. When you stay in two different places, you sort of form two different identities. 

Which identity is most true to you then?

In this era of covid, Brooklyn hits home hard. The inability to travel and explore a new place leaves me yearning for the part of myself that is absent here. Don't get me wrong, I feel terribly privileged to be able to have these thoughts - but I also feel a sort of emptiness too. 

My identity here is tied to my success in my career and in my relationship (or lack thereof). I feel submerged in a wave of people who link these points to my worth - and while I know that it's not an important calculator of success, I can't help but be drowned in it. 

I love my job, I love my singlehood. I love the future of unknowns and the possibilities of what my life will bring. I am excited at what the future holds in store for us all. Yet how do I strike a healthy balance between this knowledge and outside noise? At times I wish to block the world out and just focus on what feeds me. I suppose that's how all successful people get to their peak. They're able to strike a balance in this aspect.

I've got to find an outlet of sorts - something creative. I can't stand being idle. It's too boring. 

Maybe it's time to take out my watercolours, clay, pens... time to get vulnerable. 

xx.

Tightly grasped.

There are very few things that I cling on to quite dearly with almost no intention of letting go. The tight grasp on these things - I’ve come to realise - stem from the memories I have from the period in which these things takes place. 

Like all things that reminisce on the past, Reply 1997 is a show that I hold on to so dearly no matter how many times I come back to. It’s not a) the nostalgia of the short period during the 90’s that I got to enjoy that’s reflected in the show, and neither is it b) the friends-esque vibe from the ensemble. My personal attraction towards Jung Eunji, her character, coupled with the fact that I caught this show during the lowest period of my life makes it difficult to cut the chord that binds me to the feelings I want to keep dear. 

Fleeting as it always is, my youth is now gone. Though I don’t think it lacked anything, there are of course feelings of sadness towards events that transpired. Through the looking glass, I see an empty vessel. There is a shell, but the element inside is gone. 

Perhaps that is why Reply 1997, for as absurd as it may sound, brought me to tears. No one really wins in the show. They each lost before they were found. 

The tears may have been a result from my desire to have an ending as bittersweet as that of Shiwon’s. It could have also been a result of my lost youth. Or maybe, just maybe... it’s because I find it very hard to believe in happy bittersweet endings. That my happiest periods were back when I was a teenager, and that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to grasp on to the string of those memories as I progress on in life. 

“We were passionate, innocent and we desperately miss that time.

Can you hear it? If you can hear me, reply. 

Dear the 90’s.”

Covid ‘19 | Entering Week 2 of the Circuit Breaker

Singapore’s circuit breaker - aka CB, an acronym I’m quite sure the government came up with for an added little bit of humour - is officially into its second week starting today. The above picture pretty much sums up my view the past few days. Meetings have been taken online, dinners and outings with friends have had to be innovated to suit the virtual climate we’re now faced with and more than anything, the screen is now the only means we have to satiate our craving for the human interaction.

I can’t complain much though, because this CB has actually been more productive for me than it has for most people. The cut in travel time has given me more opportunity to focus on other things that I otherwise would procrastinate on if I were to head down to the office and for my appointments on the daily. The other side to this story though is that I experienced a burn out towards the end of the week.

On the mental health side, I’ve been finding ways to cope with the situation whilst maintaining my sanity. I’m trying to include exercise more frequently into my schedule because it helps tremendously with my anxiety, but apart from that I find that keeping myself busy to exhaustion is the only way to get the time to pass by.

In the grander scheme of things, I am grateful that my family members are all healthy and safe from the virus and above all, to have a roof and safe place to be contained in this period. I feel helpless at the number of people who don’t share the same privilege. Regardless, I believe this is a shared experience we’re going through as one humankind. How you come out of this should not matter to someone else. Your management and ability to cope with this is not any less worthy or important than the next person. Just please, please please stay home as much as possible if you can. That’s the only way we can beat this together.

We can and we will. I don’t believe we’ll come out of this the same person.

Hang in there everyone.

Xx.

26.

Another year, and still none the wiser. 

As always, the week beckoning the arrival of my birth date is always filled with much trepidation. The desire to not turn a year older, yet being fully aware that the Sun will continue to rise the next day leaves little to no room for me to properly plan my mental well being and how I would like to view and approach the "big day". As always, I procrastinate and set aside my emotions, always failing to recall that refusing to acknowledge my feelings leaves me with a massive outpour of tears, confusion and guilt once the day arrives.

This year was no different.

I return from an emotionally driven morning at work, and collapse on the lower staircase of the house and start crying uncontrollably. I allow myself time to cry, and give myself the opportunity to feel some sense of grief and pity for my state. Five minutes pass, I regain my composure and come to terms that the tears that've been shed shall mark the decision to properly tuck the pain and the past behind. Onward, your life hereon may be filled with comments and words from the naysayers, but may you never forget who you're living this life for. As nervous as I may be for the future, but I shall take it slowly. I believe that now is when life is hardest for me, and perhaps the 20s is proving to be the most difficult era I would have to go through. We shall not know, and it remains to be seen.

Nevertheless, I turn 26 today. My proudest achievement thus far would definitely have to be full acceptance of who I am, flaws and strengths, and to unapologetically remain myself even when the world conspires against me to give in to the status quo.

Because at the end of the day, the only being who is ever truly with you is God. May I keep this in mind through all the obstacles and blessings that come my way.

xx.

Throwback Thursday | Mt Stirling, 8th Oct '16

It's been close to a month since I last arrived back home. Now that life's beginning to settle down a lot better, I've been spending the past few days looking through my photos and reminiscing the times I spent in Melbourne. I've always wished I could be a skilled photographer, I'm sure I've mentioned before that photographs bring back so much more than just memories. A photograph brings back the feelings and emotions that you experienced and felt at that present moment. Which is why they are always so precious to me.

Today I'd like to share about the time my friends and I decided to hike up Mt Stirling. We'd been discussing going on an overnight/camping/road trip for the longest time (that being a year) but we kept on putting it off. Part of it had to do with the fact that we couldn't find an appropriate date that catered us all (especially when two out of the five were working adults), but really it's also because no one took any action until we finally set our minds to it.

And so after the graduation of one and her departure back to her mainland i.e. Malaysia, the remaining four of us finally decided it was enough of bumming around and time to make the necessary reservations.

We came to the decision to conquer Mt Stirling thanks to Derrick. He'd actually gone hiking up the mountain during winter that same year, but due to the weather was unable to enjoy and take as many pictures as he'd have liked from the summit. Also, Nam was no stranger to the mountain as she spent an entire year during high school up there. Don't ask, but her high school had this really cool one year programme where 15 year olds spend their time up in the mountains organising trails and the likes. Sounds nomadic, but her stories were so enjoyable to listen to. All it took was a photo of how the view looked like from the summit and I was sold.

Does this not entice you?!

We drove up to the base of the mountain courtesy of Dinithi our driver who was very willing to take us there. The entire journey to the base took about two hours or so. We took slightly longer than that because we had a few pitstops along the way.

Prior to the trip Derrick made a whole list of things for us to purchase. Namely items essential for hiking like boots, flashlights and etc. I didn't want to spend money unnecessarily so apart from food and disposable underwear I didn't purchase anything mentioned. Which may not have been a very good idea because the mountains were covered in snow thanks to the heavy rainfall the night before and I was geared up in my Dr Martens. Not exactly ideal for plummeting through the ice... I made it though since I ended up walking in my friends' footprints hahaha!

My trusty sherpa stick which I brought back home for safekeeping hahaha

I love hiking, and the one thing I will miss the most from Melbourne is the abundance of opportunities to enjoy mother nature at it's best. It was such a good workout, and although it was tiring it was a lot more enjoyable thanks to my friends. Come to think of it, I've no idea what we talked about throughout the entire hike. How we managed to pass time by is a wonder on hindsight.

We took close to four hours to reach the summit of the peak. This of course was inclusive of all the times I plopped down on the snow to cool myself down because the intensity of the sun's rays was burning into my soul. I'm pretty sure I lost 80% of my energy to the sun. But here's a hack, sitting with your ass in the snow really helps to cool your entire body down. I did this several times, much to the annoyance of Derrick :P

But boy oh boy when we did make it to the top... It was breathtaking. I'll let the pictures do the talking from here on :)

All these photos were taken by Derrick of course (it explains why he's missing in them), and he captured the mood and the moments so well. It expresses my exact feelings towards the experience, melancholic, romantic and wonderment.

I've always loved the outdoors because it reminds me of how tiny and vulnerable I am in comparison to the greatness of God's creations. I was happy to have had another opportunity to soak in the beauty of mother nature and life, and to be privileged enough to do so.

The journey back down to the base took slightly less than two hours since we took another route. We were accompanied by some very lovely deer on our drive down to the caravan park which we had made arrangements for. Spent a cosy night chit-chatting over instant noodles and drinks, talking about politics, love and life. Headed out the next morning to make our way back to the city.

In all, it was a short getaway that felt like a whole week. The memories stay fresh in my head, and I hope that in future I'll receive the opportunity to go on a similar trip with my friends (including dear Pei Yi who was already back in Malaysia) again.

Thank you for the memories wolf pack ♡

xx.

Photo credits: @derrickkoo_photo

New Beginnings #1

As it so happens, I'm back in Singapore.

To say that it was a return filled with a joy is a lie in itself. There were many things that prevented me from being proud of my return home. At present, all I want to do is share everything here. To pour my heart out and rid myself of the burden that's so heavily sitting on my chest.

They say the past can't be forgotten, and that they're there for a reason. Whatever it is, from this point on I'd like to move forward. Come what may, this is the path that I have to take. There may be many a nights where I'll shed tears, but this is what I must do.

So this space will be where I'll share my updates. To hold myself accountable, and to pen down the happy memories. Maybe when the scars have healed slightly I'll be able to bring myself to be completely raw about my experiences, but for now I'll need to breathe deeply to overcome things one step at a time.

Till then, xx.