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How fast do feelings come and go? You spend years of your life trying to get rid of your low self-esteem. You start saying good positive things, you spread these thoughts throughout the entire course of your body. And then finally, after years of positive reinforcement, you finally trained yourself to start seeing and thinking good thoughts. Just when you think you've reached what's the highest point in your life, something good comes your way. You are beyond excited, exhilarated even at the thought of what could be. Things feel good, you feel it in your bones. Your intuition is never wrong, so why worry about it when you know everything will be alright?
Then just as you think it couldn't get any better, it starts to fade. You're confused, you've never experienced such a thing before, never had any experience yourself to give you advice on the next course of action. Friends? Who do you turn to? Asking someone for help is as good as giving it a reason to be a problem. It's the last thing you want to be a problem.
You spend the next few days trying to stop thinking about things. Your intuition tells you by now that you should give up, that there is no point. You smile to hide the pain, you cry inside but you refuse to give in. You distract yourself, you question and ponder. You avoid any weird articles from thoughtcatalog. You don't want to admit that it is a problem, that it affects you more than you want to believe so.
Maybe you're not smart enough. You question if there's something wrong with you. Maybe you come across as a bimbo. Or maybe you come across as too aggressive. You could also just be an annoying whiny person who is too high maintenance. You question and question and just when you think you have it all, you slowly find yourself falling back to the motions of the past that you so long worked to eradicate.
But today, today I tell myself that I can't help what happens in life. I can't choose to make the decisions made by others, neither can I choose to make the decisions people feel. I'm frustrated because I can't give myself any advice and I don't know if I deserve to ask others for help for the simple reason that I myself am unsure if there was ever a problem to begin with. Maybe it's not a problem, but even if I were to ask someone for advice, how would I phrase it?
Perhaps I look into things a little too much. I fall easily, and for that reason I keep my walls up very high. I knew I wasn't going to repeat the same mistake I did before. Getting hurt may make you seem like the bigger person, but the truth is no one wants to go through the emotional pain it brings. Fret not, for I don't think I am at that stage of fatality emotionally.
Only time will tell, and time alone will heal. I'm not going to stop being the person I am, and despite what comes my way I truly believe that I did what I could. This post most probably - and definitely - does not fully encapsulate the emotions and thoughts that are currently clouding my head.
I'm confused, and I only wish I could understand things a little better.
xx.
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