This is me

When the world seems too overwhelming and against you on all fronts, remind yourself that who you are today is enough. 

Never forget, never forgive. 

xx.

Mountains and days;

 The passage of time is a marvellous thing. It allows for so much - healing, growth, fascinating experiences one can only hope to laugh at some time in the future... 

Yet what then is time during this season of Covid when everything is either too slow or too fast? Abysmal days are prolonged, excitement seems to end too soon and grief - dear grief. It feels like time drags on its feet. 

It's been 6months since the loss of my Yai, and 3months since the loss of my Datok. Death has a different ring and tune to it in these times - mostly because mourning is experienced too differently. You're not allowed to mourn together, because you can't be together. 

I anticipated this year to happen as it did. And I thought being prepared would help with the coping process. I was grateful that I was able to be there towards the end, and have no regrets that they were able to depart peacefully. But since then, I don't think I was ever able to properly grief.

Like a robot, I allowed myself to focus on work. Not that it was entirely productive, I don't think. I'm not even certain I was conscious of my own thoughts and feelings at the time. I just continued living like the living do - and operated as I always did. 

And so results in the cacophony of deafening alarm bells, as my world starts to spin in a way that leaves me bleak and desolate. I am unfeeling, I simply exist. My emotions and feelings are so caught up in some dimension that has yet to be untapped. I don't really know how to unmask this despite my various attempts. 

All I know is I feel immense loss. I miss you both so dearly. I don't think I realised how much I loved you till you were no longer here. 

Thinking of you always, my dear Yai and Datok. Thank you for loving me.

xx.

Brooklyn

I watched Brooklyn in 2015, sometime at the end of the year while I was at the lowest point in my life. It was a movie that came to me by surprise, because it wasn't recommended by a friend nor was it actually a title I was aware of. I happened to be on iTunes, saw Saoirse Ronan on the cover, and felt compelled to watch it (absolutely a fan or Saoirse Ronan - I fell in love with her since I caught Lovely Bones those years ago). 

And how lovely a movie it was. 

Since then, I've caught Brooklyn more than 100 times I'm sure. It leaves me with a dull ache in my heart, one that yearns so much for love and possibilities for the future. I am obsessed with the narratives, the art that is presented in the cinematography of the movie and the chemistry between the actors. 

It is also in this movie that I fell in love with Tony. 

Not that anyone cares, but Brooklyn started out as a romantic movie for me. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy ends up with girl. Of course, the course of true love never did run smooth, but they make their way back to each other in the end. 

Of course, when you repeatedly watch a movie like I do it's impossible not to form a different opinion and perspective of the show. Where I was thought Eilis settled, I've come to realise that she chose Brooklyn over Ireland. It's not so much a decision between which man she chooses to be with, but the life and place she chooses to create a future in. 

I've yet to read the book, so these opinions are based solely off the movie and the tone it tried to set. I don't believe she chose to ignore Tony's letters because she disliked him - think she was just running away from the truth. When you stay in two different places, you sort of form two different identities. 

Which identity is most true to you then?

In this era of covid, Brooklyn hits home hard. The inability to travel and explore a new place leaves me yearning for the part of myself that is absent here. Don't get me wrong, I feel terribly privileged to be able to have these thoughts - but I also feel a sort of emptiness too. 

My identity here is tied to my success in my career and in my relationship (or lack thereof). I feel submerged in a wave of people who link these points to my worth - and while I know that it's not an important calculator of success, I can't help but be drowned in it. 

I love my job, I love my singlehood. I love the future of unknowns and the possibilities of what my life will bring. I am excited at what the future holds in store for us all. Yet how do I strike a healthy balance between this knowledge and outside noise? At times I wish to block the world out and just focus on what feeds me. I suppose that's how all successful people get to their peak. They're able to strike a balance in this aspect.

I've got to find an outlet of sorts - something creative. I can't stand being idle. It's too boring. 

Maybe it's time to take out my watercolours, clay, pens... time to get vulnerable. 

xx.