What is this.

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I think I'm ready to just sit down tonight and share with you something that's been bothering my mind for quite a long time. I don't have any reason to write this post out, and by this time there's no emotion of hatred or emptiness or sadness. Rather, it's an emotion of numbness to what has been and picking up the pieces to move on from life without constantly going back to that same place, same time.

I've been wanting to write this out for the longest time, and yet for the longest time I felt I had no right too because it was not even a relationship to start with. We were not an item, we had only gone out twice and yes he bought me something once and I for him. There is no reason to be as upset, so what if it didn't work out? I deserve better, right?

Right.

I believe I must have been saved from something that may not have been right for me. I definitely know that God is saving me and only knows the best. And as far as I am concerned, I no longer go back to those times and wonder why it didn't work out or what went wrong.

Yet I get dreams in which he appears, and once in a while the time we spent together flashes back into my mind. What frustrates me is that these images keep on coming back to haunt me. And sometimes I wish it wouldn't. I guess I am sad because now I've lost a friend. I can't be myself around him anymore because hey, I've received news from people that I can be "over friendly" with the opposite sex. So what should I do? Just not be myself? I can't do that. I admit at times I may be over friendly but its definitely not to the point that I openly flirt with them. Trust me, flirting is definitely not my forte and in my lifespan has only been done a handful of times and even then only to guys I'm interested in. A stranger walks up to me and compliments me and I awkwardly smile and say thanks and walk away. It's not something I'm good at. If I'm openly friendly with you chances are I'm just comfortable being around you. Perhaps I don't know what the right limit is, I've asked people around me and everyone thinks its alright and nothing more than friendly. So what is wrong?

Why am I crying typing this out? I don't know why I'm feeling such thoughts at this time on this month, maybe four months after everything. Perhaps I'm in denial and the truth is that I'm still affected by what's happened. I'm so stupid, it was only two measly outings and meeting each other once a week for an event. That's it.

If I thought typing and sharing everything out would help me to solve my problem then I thought wrong.